God, and Love.

But according to some people, they are the same... so I guess that makes sense.

I find it difficult to describe individual experiences of human love.... I've found them to be unique and individual.  But I am starting to understand that I cannot judge the quality of love by comparing the feeling of one to the feeling of the other,
And I guess that is progress.

How Novel...
To belong...

Very intrinsic to my relationship to my personalities and I is the concept of tribe.
It isn't really a "where" in the sense that there is a place really...  But it is rather a level of acceptance.  And it requires being real.  It requires not hiding.
Because we all hide.

I can't Let Loki Bust out with a big Oratory about Lude Sexual things in the company of just anyone.  It's simply not appropriate.

I can't Let Kalok Scream and Rave her Homicidal Anger at people.

I can't Let Daemeon Run around In the tutu and Swim Fins.

I can't let Rath Cover himself In Mud and leaves and live in the woods.

But all of these things are a part of what I want at any given moment.  I can accept them.  And When I find people who can relate to even some of them, I feel more like I Belong.

But the whole "differing view of Sanity" thing is kindof a put off to some people.

We are all, Constantly in relationship to eachother.
We like to make labels for "romantic relationships" and things like that.  We like to put it in boxes to try to understand something Big and Nebulous.

Every time you speak to someone... in passing on a train or even standing next to them in line at the supermarket Without speaking, You are relating to them as a Human Being.

Unless you are totally by yourself, and have no contact at all with any other people EVER you are in relationship.  We can even be in relationship to others through memories.  Memory is a Creative process like all thought.  What we remember about a person can Change, just like a relationship.... Except that WE are doing both sides of it.

So what quality of relationships do you create with others??

It CAN mean that we are One.  It can mean that there is no separateness in us.  It can mean that we are TRIBE.  It can mean that we are One, but We are not the Same.  It can be the highest opportunity to have the Grandest experience of ourselves.

But most of the time not.

I think Most of the time to be in relationship means something entirely different.  Something Much more limited.  I think most people think that it is a specific set of behaviors and expectations that we are supposed to cram our limitless selves into somehow.

I think that is why alot of "romantic" relationships fail.

I have bent down, and pushed in the mud with my fingers.
I have found pain, and depression.
I have found the Filth of self Deprication
I have found the slipperiness of self deception.
I have chased after someone else's Idea of what it is to be a good person...
And I have found Pearls.

I am the Pig...  And the Value of these pearls is lost on me.

But I certainly enjoy the Potatoes.
So I keep Digging around down here...
And I keep finding my potatoes.
If you want the pearls you can have them,
I'm Not Good enough for them.

But the potatoes are all Mine.

Truth!
When EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE else in the world has fallen away... Has Retreated in despair, and thrown it's Hands up in exasperation... The Truth has persisted.
And Just so long as one of us holds the truth, the truth will ultimately prevail.
And Truth will set you free.

Truth will cut through the Dark as A Light reaching Out to those in Need.

No matter how much I deny my truth...
Or ignore My truth...
Or Pretend my truth away....
Or manufacture new ones....

What I Keep coming back to is Who I really Am.
And I will Grok eventually.

I just read the last blog I wrote here, and I laughed.

It sounds so much like what I wanted to write that I HAVE to write it  now.

Having Dragged myself through all the Hell of Puberty and Back again, All Over again...
I realized that I am a recovering Sex addict.
As a recovering Addict... I understand that I have Been SO judgemental Of myself for Fearing...  For Doubting...  For Bloodywell being human.  Whether I was an addict or not....  I have been SO judgemental of myself for my imperfections that I could never have developed any true sense of self.

But I have trusted my gut.
And I have Followed my truth.
Even when it has seemed to Lead me Directly The fuck AWAY from where it looked like I wanted to go.

I have Persisted.  And I feel like I have Been Pulled through a Knothole backward.  But...  Instead of chiding myself for having Done all this the hard way...  I think Maybe I would Like to Compliment myself on Being Flexible enough to get through the knothole.

I am not convinced that I am fixed.
I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall...
And I Could wake up tommorrow and have let all this slip through my Fingers again.
But Right now, I feel pretty good.

On Saturday, Which was consequently my first day off in two weeks, I watched V for Vendetta for the third time.  It was still a fantastic treatise on human nature, as it ever was...
And I payed very close attention.  Because I have always felt that there was a special message in it for me.

I have been told that in order to truely learn anything, we have to suspend the idea that we already know it.

In order to discover something about ourselves, we have to not know everything about ourselves, Or at very least be willing to be flexible in our idea of who we are.

And I had been making a mistake, For a Very long time.
First, I judged myself for being afraid, when everybody is afraid.
Second, I judged myself for being Brave, thinking that bravery was a false play at being fearless.
Third, I thought that Fearlessness was something Other than what it really is...  Which is honestly Nigh inobtainable to unenlightened humans Like myself.... And really more useful as an Ideal rather than a personal goal.
And fourth, and perhaps the biggest, I was under the misconception that it was a profound spiritual failure for me to entertain fear at all.

And When Evie Hammond Stepped out of her cell this time, I actually understood the lesson that the artists who made the movie were trying to convey...

And I am still afraid... In some ways.  But that is part of being Human.  And I can Be so Brave in the living of my Life that No one will ever know that truth of me, and that I can Live my life as a Shining example to anyone who has ever felt afraid.

So that they know they don't have to be.

This morning I was Spoken to By the Goddess.
She was a Little Girl, With Long Red hair.
She invited me into her Closet...
And We had a little Chat.
She Told Me that her Will for me was Freedom.
She Said that the Closet represented the Ways I limit and restrict Myself.
She said She wanted me to experience Big Freedom.
That that was what My Soul Longed for the Most.
Only through Great and True Love of Self can that Be attained.
She Told me to stop Sqwelching Myself.
If I am A Flame, I Must become a Fire.
If I am A Drop of Water, I must become a Storm.
If I am A Gust of Wind, I Must Become a Gale...
But No Fighting.
I am not allowed to Bring Warrior Path here... it won't Work.
Only Love.

And  I have to take my Driver's test today.
I am very nervous.
But I am going Anyway.
I think I am Ready.
She Said I needed Unwavoring Faith in Myself.
She Said that I would Pass My Test, Unless I Did not.
But that it should Not matter.


I think I am going to have Breakfast.

I usually don't allow myself to write when I am depressed...
Because I tend to go On and On at Length. 
But since I don't have much time... and No one wants to hear that...
Yesterday, My friend Renee Called Me, asking If I wanted to hang out.
I told her I was On my Way to Work, and that I didn't know what my Plans were for after work...  And that was  the truth.  I didn't have any idea.
While I was at Work, People in my circle of friends got together and decided to have a Role playing session after all.
I got Home, and Renee called Me again.  I told her that people had decided to have a game, and She Acted Like I was Backing out on Her... She Became Very Cold, and Got off the phone with me before I had time to explain.  She just assumed I had Lied to her.
I felt very Diminished by this. 
I called her back, and Even though I do not try to mix her company and My Girlfriend's Company, as they don't get along very well, I offered to Get together to go get Icecream...  and I explained that the Plan had Coalesced without me while I was at Work, and that I Had NO Idea untill I Left work.  I told her that I thought she was Angry with Me, and that I didn't want that... that I hadn't Meant to upset her.
All of that to her Voicemail.
Then My friends took me out for Icecream.
We got back, and I had a Message on the answering machine from Renee.
I called her, and Appologized again...  I was very upset...  Like I was the One in the wrong...  I didn't do Anything though...  I don't know what to do when someone is Mean to Me and Won't Own it.  Renee seems to get angry with people when they don't do exactly as she wants when she wants it. 
I wanted to do Both things... I would have Loved for everyone to hang out together... But That is not allowed anymore, because it makes Both My girlfriend and Renee uncomfortable.  So instead I have to Choose.  And that Makes me feel bad.
I don't know what I should do.

I beleive that there are No Set things in this universe.
But I believe that We came here for a reason, because it is advantageous to have a goal in mind.
I Believe that there are No Coincidences.  I Believe that We are Each Responsible For the controll Of the Rudder of our Lives.
I believe in Serendipity, and Synchronicity.
I believe that we are All here to master our personal karma... But I think karma is Different from What the Original concept Meant.  I think Karma is The way we all hold ourselves Back.  I think it is something that grows in our Minds...  that has an effect on the spirit.  And It must, therefore, be overcome.

And I think we are all going the same "place" when this is all over anyway...
So I believe that Everything is Destined to Be Okay, No Matter what happens.